You'll probably never read this, but....

I just want you to know that I wish I could do something for you. I wish I could help, yet somehow all I feel is totally useless. I wish I could tell you this myself, but I'm weak like that. I just want you to know that you're not alone, and if you asked, I'd do anything to help you.

I just had to say this. Somewhere. Somehow. Some time, perhaps you'll find this and you'll know what I was actually trying to say but where I failed so miserably. For that I'm sorry. I'm sorry if my failings mean that I am not the friend I should be, the friend that I want to be, the friend that maybe you need me to be. I'm sorry, and I'm here. Maybe this is what you need, maybe not, but at least somewhere I tried.

Reflection

Reflection
Originally uploaded by Ophelia_24

Today I am reflecting on many things. I try to deal with one thought at a time, so that I can then put that thought to the back of my mind and tuck it away, knowing that I've done all I can possibly manage to do with that one thing, but today my thoughts are rolling around inside my head and they won't keep still. I feel like I'm on a theme park ride and I can't get off.

If only

I have been known to wish "if only life were simple..." but realistically, who wants simple? It's the complications in life that make it challenging and interesting. I have spent too much of my 25 years being bored by the mundane, that I wouldn't possibly want the interesting bits to disolve into nothing, even if every one comes with it's own unique set of problems. I live therefore I grow. I am not the person I was 10 years ago, or the person I will be in another 10 years. I am who I am right now, and if you like it, then great. If you don't, well I guess you probably won't stick around very long to find out what I might be like in the future.

A fond farewell

Today has been a long time coming. It is my last day in my current job. As of tomorrow I have a new job, and I really need to remember to go to the right place when I get up! It feels strange and I am sad to be leaving (although it's not my choice to leave right now) but it does not feel real. It doesn't actually feel like tomorrow I will not work here.

Perhaps it will feel like I've left once I've gone. Perhaps then it'll be real. Maybe.

It's been a while...

I feel that I have neglected you blog, I really haven't been keeping you up to date with all the things going on in my life, and there have been a lot of things going on. Firstly, Andy and I moved into our new home, it feels amazing to be in a house and know it's yours and that you own it. It's a totally different feeling to renting a place, firstly you can paint the walls a more exciting colour than magnolia, and put lots of nails in the walls to hang your hundreds of pictures on.

Secondly, I am leaving my job at the end of the month. Not through my own choice, however, if I had a choice I would have left a long while ago, but I've been sticking it out because this time they are paying me to leave. It couldn't be much better really, although I was beginning to worry about finding a new job, but I should be starting a new one the day after I leave here so I am now feeling much calmer about the future which is good! Plus it's Friday, and Friday is always the best day of the week because of the prospect of the weekend ahead is such a relaxing feeling. Ah life, what would we do without you?

Countdown

We move in one week. This means I have 7 days in which to pack up all my (our) stuff and label the boxes so I have some idea of where everything is. I have already run out of space once and my parents saved the day by taking away a car full of boxes that are already packed. I've no idea what's in the boxes they took.

Packing always makes me think that I should throw out far more stuff. You accumulate so much stuff that you just don't need. I really should be more ruthless and get rid of more of it.

Happy birthday to me

Today I turn 25. I have absolutely no plans to grow up though. 25 sounds like a grown up age, however I will prove that it is not, even though I am currently buying a house, which is another very grown up thing to do.

I hope you're all having a good day. I am. I baked two cakes last night, and made chocolate rice crispy cakes, and chocolate tiffin (thanks for the receipe Carole!) and it tastes good! Yum. I wish I could share this experience via blog, but I don't think it's possible. Yet.

Have a good day! :)

Nikkor 50mm f1.8

I am very excited today as the lens I ordered last week for my camera should arrive! Just in time for my birthday (a little pressie for myself) and my weekend away in the Lakes! Brilliant! That is keeping me going today as otherwise I'm really fed up with work and want to say something to the people who are annoying me, but I don't want to cause bad feelings between us all as we do have to work together. Oh well. Looking forward to my lens arriving! :)

Redder than Red

I don't know if it is just me that does this, and whether I am alone in the world in my utter embrassment, but I've just realised, two days after doing something I thought I should be doing, that in fact I was wrong. This is not like it was something nobody else would notice. The entire company I work for was informed, by me, that I did this and I've only just realised this. I have been walking around for two days without realising that I have made a (if only slight) fool of myself. Oh man I feel like my face is burning up and that I in fact match (no, clash) with the bright red mug I am drinking out of.

Nobody has mentioned anything to me. Perhaps nobody noticed, or at least took any notice. However I feel like you do when you're a teenager and you have to go to school with a really huge spot on the end of your nose. EVERYBODY is looking at you. That's just how I feel today.

My own fault for being too efficient. oh man. I really want to crawl into a hole and never get out.

I'm now really glad that in 6 months I get to leave this place. It really can't come quick enough.

Fancy colours and all

I've been pretty bored today, no systems have been running today at work so I've spent most of my day reading other people's blog. It's really interesting looking into someone's world when they are miles away and you've never even met them. I find myself wanting to write more often. I also want to write about things of more consequence.

Faye asked me today when I'd be writing more short stories, this was in relation to a Open University course I did last year on creative writing. I was writing all sorts of things all the time, and now I feel stifled and un-inspired. I feel really sad when I think about it, as I had so much fun writing, but I need some kind of inspiration to get started. Today has enabled me to think.

I feel inspired. The need to be creative is iching inside of me. I need to find some kind of out pouring of all sorts of thoughts and I think writing some short stories will help. It gives me a buzz just to think about writing again!

The initial point of this post was to make a point of the fancy new colours I chose for my blog! I hope you like.

The crazy world of others

It's funny, when you are walking around someone else's house, what thoughts are going through your mind. Now you would think that the initial thoughts would be; do I want to live here? (esp when you're trying to decide whether to buy the place or not) what's the neighbourhood like? Can I fit all my things inside? However let me tell you dear reader, these were not the real thoughts idly filling my mind this weekend.

I was wondering if the space (or distinct lack of it) would squash me. I have been feeling squashed since I began living in my current ground floor flat, and this has lasted nearly two years, and I'm ready to feel that freedom of childhood again *sigh* this is unlikely to happen, mainly because my childhood home, although yes, it is still there inhabited by my parents is about 4 times the size of anything I will be able to afford.

The beginning of our search seemed fruitful, there was so much possibilty but I am slowly (note to self - in light of this realisation being over no more than 3 days, this cannot really be called slow, not in the life time sense anyway) coming to the understanding that if I want that ever so elusive foot on the property ladder, it's going to be on a ladder up the side of a postage stamp.

The First Post

My first post, I feel that I should have something terribly important to say, but it's all more like just making sure there's always a piece of me in the world. You know, in case anything goes wrong. It's just after 3 in the afternoon and as it's a Sunday I've really not done a lot with my day other than decide that I would have to write this, my first blog today. No more putting things off (I'm a great one for putting things off - I always put things off until tomorrow, and sooner or later it becomes too late).

I wouldn't expect too much excitement here, I don't do a lot that all that exciting, except what goes on in my head, now there's where life becomes exciting. Woop de do.

That's enough for now I think. I'm sure I'll think of something far more worthwhile to say later, or maybe it'll be tomorrow?